A Global Community for Mothers of Only Children
ON THE RECORD
Danielle
Syracuse, New York, United States
July 2024
A part-time RN and avid runner, Danielle (36) shares her journey of motherhood, raising an only child (27 months) and the importance of mental health and self-care.
Tell me a bit about yourself, Danielle.
I’m a mother of one. I’ve struggled, and still do, adjusting to motherhood. Everything I envisioned is not what I thought it would be. So to help regain my identity, I started working part-time. I’m a highly-sensitive person and it has helped me immensely carving out time for myself.
I started running again and generally try to take care of my health, and I feel like a little bit of me is coming back. Pre-baby, my husband and I traveled all the time for vacation-related races (triathlons for him, running for me). We hiked a lot and really just tried to soak in life’s adventures.
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Did you always envision having just one child? What led you to this decision?
I did not. I firmly envisioned two. I had a second pregnancy and it ended up being a loss. It did - and still does - devastate me for many reasons. That was the realization that I was overstimulated, burned out, and could not tolerate another pregnancy (my symptoms were awful and kept me on the couch the entire time, with some hospital visits). Not to mention, we already endured a lot with a chronically-ill toddler who was colicky and still doesn’t sleep through the night. I’ve worked very hard on my mental health, and I don’t want to risk it for a second child. Also, as time goes on, I feel that I wanted a second for all the “wrong” - or at least not the right - reasons.
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What were some factors that influenced your decision to be one-and-done?
Mental Health. Period.
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Have you faced any stigma or pressure regarding your decision to have one child? How have you handled it?
I haven’t faced any stigma or received many questions about why we won't have more kids or comments on our child needing a sibling. Our close friends know our reasoning for not having another child. That said, my support group shrank when I went through the loss. Our friends have gone on to have more children and it’s still hard, even though we've chosen to have one.
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How do you balance your own needs with the demands of motherhood?
As mentioned, one of the things I’ve done is work part-time. It’s given me time to rest and to do things for myself. I often am easily overstimulated by mess or things to do and this helps me balance the needs of the house along with my own.​​​​
What has been your greatest challenge in motherhood?
Right now, I’m moving into a spot of enjoying more time with my daughter, so leaving is tough. It pulls at wanting my sense of autonomy back, while still missing her deeply.
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Conversely, what has been the greatest joy of being a mother?
All the snuggles that I still get. They are so healing and build so much connection.​​​​
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What are your three favourite aspects of being a mom to an only child?
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Better my mental health.
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No chaos or fighting. Lately, I’ve been noticing the fighting between my friends’ kids and it can be very overstimulating.
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The ability to give my daughter my undivided attention.
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If you could instill one important lesson in your child, what would it be?
To be resilient.
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How do you create a sense of community for yourself and your child?
I’m working on that. I’ve reached out to local mom groups on Facebook, have used the Peanut app and have leaned into people that “get” me even if they have more children. I try to arrange playdates for my daughter and encourage her to explore and find new adventures both on her own and with us.​​​​​​
A few more...
Recent statistics show that the number of one-child families is on the rise in many countries. From your perspective, why do you think more women are choosing to have only one child?
For people who choose it, I think it’s because they are thinking more about themselves. Not in a selfish way, but rather in a way that ensures they remain the best versions of themselves. Sometimes, that’s with one child.
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Do you have any siblings, and if so, how has your relationship with them shaped your perspective on parenting and influenced your decision to have one child?
I have both a younger and older brother. While I’m not super close with them, now that we’re older, that’s the one thing that’s still a hang-up for me, as my daughter will be an only. Just having extra people around for family occasions and especially ones that are close in age.​​​​
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Is there anything else you’d like to share with other mothers or those considering a one-and-done family?
I think it’s a very personal decision and not always a straight path. It can be bumpy and messy, and I get it!​
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